Just as Britain emerges battered from its hovel, frozen and hungry like a frosty shrew with its eyes blinking into the bright morning sun, warnings are again coming over the long wave radiograms that we face yet another week of arctic blasts, snow storms and frost. Panic shoppers, grit spreaders and tabloid journalists are working themselves up into a lather over what some members of the fourf estate are referring to as ‘Britain’s toughest week since the Blitz’. If only Hitler had thought of 4 inches of snow and a red-top. Still, although The QuFF considers reporting upon such matters as beneath its august appeal (and boy does august seem appealing right now) we are more than happy to syndicate the pen-wumblings of our local tabloid, The Fluv y’bust’d:
Snow-where to Run!!!
There was panic on the street of Quindley & Fluff last night as the Met Office issued another severe weather warning for the Quindley-Fluff area. Panic shoppers, grit spreaders and even this reporter sought immediate shelter from the impending storm as winds of over ELEVEN miles an hour and ‘MODERATE DRIFTING’ were threatened. Shopkeepers boarded up their windows to protect them from the wrath of Mother Nature, and probably ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS and that, as the warnings grew more and more dire.
“Four inches of snow predicted…..” “Five inches of snow predicted…” “FIVE AND A HALF INCHES OF SNOW PREDICTED” the radio announced at regular intervals. The tension mounted throughout the evening as the flakes grew in size. Mr Crimp, a stalker from Yonder Bognie, claimed to have seen snowflakes the size of golf balls raining down from the sky, although this was largely attributed to his being found drunk and in a state of undress on the seventh fairway of The Quindley Links. Clint O’Click, local tobacconist and town racist, told The …bust’d that “The flakes was lak ******** sick man, dey was twice lak as big as lak dat fing dere wiv dat bare fings blud”. This reporter actually saw a cow literally exploded a bit by a mega-snow-flake, its brain-slop becoming a STRAWBERRY SLUSH-PUPPY in the slag-heap of mush-ice that was being trampled into the field by a panicking contingent of local government workers and art students.
Local amenities and emergency services were TAXED to the limit as literally dozens of calls were logged on overTAXED switchboards. One locum actually ate his own arm due to the pressure he was being put under by the crisis, and probably by INLAND REVENUE and that. An ambulance driver (whose identity we cannot reveal for legal reasons but whose name is an anagram of Jank Frones) lost his wife’s birthday present during the palaver and hasn’t been seen since. Mayoress Olivia Alunfuratena (see p.3) of nearby Squint Cilbojembly has described the Fluffs’ plight as “Not cool, well cool climactically but certainly not groovy, yes, it sure isn’t bo-diggidy”. Former Prime Minister ‘Tony’ Tony Blair has sympathised with the Fluff cause, citing himself as another fictitious entity with a contrived past and thus unnaturally attuned to the fate of our SMALL, CLOSE-KNIT COMMUNITY.
Who is to blame for this arctic weather, this unseasonal wintry blast? Read on for The Fluv y’bust’d Says:
The Fluv Says:
At the end of the day the buck can only stop with one man. The Met Office has attributed much of the chilly weather of the last week to our once-upon-a-spin Great One and Beneficent Chancellor, citing the fact that under him it is “Always winter and never Christmas”. Gordon Brown, one time saviour of the world (and to whom our paper will always be grateful for strangling the ghost of Adolf Hitler and kicking Lady Thatcher in the hamstring) and THE BEST CHANCELLOR WE EVER HAD has quite clearly lost the plot. Overheard last week weeping “This is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this Heir to Blair!” into his Presbyterian Lucozade, he has through tremendous incompetence allowed Britain to slide headfirst into winter. A mistake Blair never made, and the first true winter since the ERM debacle, Brown now is surely paying for his lack of foresight in failing to control Britain’s climate with his political career. Now ‘Fluv’ readers may seem to remember that this paper has been a long-term supporter of this Son of the Manse. If so, they remember wrong-like. David Cameron, who like Blair has an intuitive understanding of us DECENT, HARD GRAFTING WORKING CLASS FOLK through his family having employed a considerable number, is a working man at heart and should be applauded for his directness in condemning “sheet ice, hail-stones and the European Union” as axis powers. The Government has missed a trick by not importing good weather on a time-share basis from Hugo Chavez, an idea of our maverick rogue Ken Livingstone’s,that was initially mocked in The Evening Standard. It’s OK to bail out RICH BANKERS but not Britain’s climate it seems, Mr Brown. Meanwhile Alistair Darling is probably planning ways to levy taxes on smiling and INCREASING PETROL DUTY etc. Many Britons were doing Queen & Country proud today by protesting the poor weather outside specific branches of Thomas Cook, holding home-made LOCAL placards demanding “Temperate Weather for British Jobless” and “Better Temperatures for British Manufacturers”. The real question is, will Mr Brown listen to our readers?
AS THE NATION ANTICIPATES AN ELECTION NEXT MAY THE FLUV URGES THE PRIME MINISTER TO LISTEN TO THE PEOPLE OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES.
You have been told what to think.
*A two minute hate for Baroness Thatcher will begin at noon today with jeering expected to finish around a quarter to one.
Syndicated reporting by: ‘Gaz’ Bill from The Fluv y’bust’d