Email Club, ladies and gentlemen, is where The QuFF, or indeed any of you, send off emails, letters etc to all and sundry that may perhaps be slightly less than serious, with the intention of getting a response. Anybody can submit one to The QuFF with evidence of having despatched it to the intended recipient. All that we would say is keep it tasteful- so no bigotry, prejudice or cruelty please. If you would like to be included in The QuFF’s Email Club mail list, just email us with the email address you want it sent to, and voila, you is included. Forgive the formatting on the website being very poor, there are some issues transferring the format to one that keeps its appearance on our website.
Here be some previous Email Club correspondence:
DON’T TALK ABOUT EMAIL CLUB! :p
May 2009
Hello Miss Suzanne Donym,
Thank you for contacting Safestyle UK via our website regarding your Email Customer Support.
Please be assured that we are dealing with your enquiry and we will be contacting you shortly.
As this is an automated response, please do not reply to this email.
However, please feel free to discuss any queries you may have with our professional and friendly Helpline staff on 01274 842 842 (lines are open 8am to 8pm Monday-Friday, 9am-1pm Saturday).
For your reference, the details you submitted via www.safestyle-windows.co.uk are shown below.
| How can we help you? | : | Hi, I am not a customer PER SE, however I do have an enquiry. I have heard a rumour that the slightly nuts but affable looking fella shouting “buy woon get woon frair” (buy one get one free?) in your advert on telly actually owns the company. Is this true? If this is true, you shall most likely become my window people of choice mainly because I like a trier; and trust me, in those adverts he is very trying indeed…. Thanks for your time, please let me know as soon as possible as literally two people’s”” days are resting on this information. Suzanne Donym, Crosby’s Dog Manufacturers Kent (Ltd.) SWALK |
From: noreply@parliament.uk
You may not know this sender.Mark as safe|Mark as junk
Sent: 05 May 2009 11:43:06
To: Sue Denim (quindleyflufffrontiersman@live.co.uk)
You are receiving this message from the Find Your MP service at http://findyourmp.parliament.uk.
=================================================================
Your message was sent with the following sender details submitted:
Name: Sue Denim
Address:
not given
Postcode: SW1A 1AA
This postcode is not in Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath.
=================================================================
Your message was sent with the following text:
Dear Rt Hon Gordon Brown,
I am emailing to complain about the thing that you did.
It just isn’t on, and frankly won’t do.
You have tried to pin the blame for this event upon
the previous Conservative administration, however you fail
to acknowledge that you have been in power for 100 years or
whatever, and that really the responsibility is yours after
all that time. To blame Thatcher is frankly unfair, partially
because she is proper’Alton Towers’ (that is to say a bit loopy)
and cannot really defend herself from broadsides, side swipes or
whatever. The buck stops with you Mr Brown, and that is why I
am emailing you on this matter.
To perform this act, and at a time of such crisis. seems
to me to be the actionsof a Prime Minister on the cusp of
the political abyss,and this moves me as you have always
struck me as a very prudent, well meaning individual. As a
fellow Son of the Manse, and having Raith Rovers as my third
team after Sampdoria and Chatham Town, I truly empathise with
you Prime Minister.Although intellectually your superior, I
can still condescend to your own (far from modest, I am just
very clever indeed) level and sympathise with your cause.
I understand that when the Conservatives return to power they
will restore kitten lobbing, twisting beggars’ heads off and
generally being racist. This I know as all of my school
textbooks said so, indeed p23 of my Psychology A Level textbook
compared Thatcher to Stalin and Hitler (although at this point
I would like to mention that, batty though she is, she was far
more evil than them back in the day.Poll Tax! Miners,
Milk Snatching etc…). This is why I have decided to,
in the midst of my rant at you for this particular issue,
help you.
I offer this consultancy service for the one off price of
£22,000 in unmarked bills. Leave in a brown envelope underneath
the swan with a brown spot under it’s left eye and a gammy leg
in St James’ Park. He usually sits next to the bin near the
caretakers hut, gobbling up myriad waste foodstuffs from seasonal
tourists.
Now back to the rant. As I, and numerous of the electorate,
have made it perfectly clear that we are against this sort
of thing, why do you persist in it? To ignore the people
once, shame on you, to ignore them at least 100 times,
shame on you again, but this time 100 times more shame
than before. Essentially we are talking about shame cubed.
If, however, you were to come up with an alternative to
the current direction on this matter,and were to communicate
directly to the people in your Clintonesque manner via Youtube
(you hip thing you), then I am sure that I and many others
shall be assuaged, and duly put our cross next to whatever
militant backbencher is our Labour representative in the election
in May next year. Please consider this correspondence
in the light in which it is intended,Mr PM, as a lifelong supporter
of you offering you a little constructive criticism. I, as your
lifelong supporter and Party member, share your dream; the dream
of a world where there is a boot stamping on a human face forever.
Yours Mildly criticisingly but mostly supportingly,
Sue Donym
Party Member
Dear *******
Thank you for your email, we are always pleased to
hear from fans of our chips.
The ‘bottle car’ certainly is a unique creation –
perhaps I could point you in the direction of
Weston’s Cider themselves to put your mind at rest?
They may be able to provide more information on
the success of the vehicle. We chose the photo
as Weston’s are a local company to us who produce
a fine Herefordshire product that fits in with
the seasoning on our chips.
I’m afraid I cannot offer you anymore insight
than this as to the origins of the car.
For info –
Weston’s Cider
http://www.westons-cider.co.uk/
I hope this helps you out, and try not to
let it worry you too much!
Kind Regards
**************** (Name Deleted etc) Export & Marketing AssistantFrom: ********************** Sent: 25 March 2009 16:02 To: ********** Subject: Cider Vinegar and Sea Salt crisps enquiryDear Tyrrells Potato Chips,I am emailing in order to ascertain the answer to a questionthat has been bugging me for literally ten minutes.However, before I venture to ask may I take the time to saythat, as far as handcooked crisps go, yours aren't too bad.Indeed, two people that I have offered some to havemmmmmmed before adding that they were 'rather nice'.I doubt that praise can come higher. I have thoroughlyenjoyed the half of the packet that I have eaten thus far,and as a consequence shall endeavour to finish the restof the packet at my leisure. "They are a bit nicer than kettle-chips".You can stick that quote on your website as an endorsmentif you wish.Now, to return to the burning issue; why is there a pictureof a car that is also a bottle on the front page of your packetof crisps? I am not being dismissive, nor am I being awkward.I can see some connection between the bottle (cider, I notice),and the cider vinegar aspect of the crisps. However, I am stillintrigued. Who designed this bottle car? Was it a success?I assume not of course, but then the passage of time makesfools of us all and it could well have been all the rage at thetime of the photograph.I would greatly appreciate any response to this question,as it has now been on my mind for literally 15 minutes.Thank you kindly for your time,Yours Faithfully,************ (names protected as one or two of theQuFF's readers seem to be persistently mental)
